


To Heal a Wounded Soul

by AmberFyre, devilswreckedchewtoy (AmberFyre)



Series: Transformations [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Foursome - M/M/M/M, Hallucinations, M/M, Mention of torture, Polyamory, Post-Season/Series 06 AU, Psychic Bond, Psychosis, Season/Series 06, Soul Bond, Team Free Love, Team Free Will, Wincest - Freeform, mention of sexual trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-01-04 17:29:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1083710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberFyre/pseuds/AmberFyre, https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberFyre/pseuds/devilswreckedchewtoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel and Gabriel soul-bonded to both Sam and Dean to try and keep Sam rooted in reality when the wall was shattered and his memories from the cage were released.  Months later, Sam starts to take a turn for the worse.  Can a soul that spent so much time tortured in the Cage heal after being almost shattered?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _Reposting under a new pseud. Originally posted in 2013_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 10/25/2014  
> After some advice from a friend I am changing the format of this and making it multi-chapter. It is now COMPLETE, the last chapter added tonight along with minor edits and spelling corrections to all previous content. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it and hopefully I will be able to start on the final story in this series soon.
> 
> This is not beta'd so any mistakes are my own. As per usual I don't own the boys or the angels, just the story.

     _Sammy, you know you can’t escape me._

     Sam froze.  He felt as though he was in a dark windowless room.  He couldn’t see anything and he could feel his pulse rate pick up.  He sat still, hoping for silence.  He was disappointed.

     _You didn’t think it was going to be that easy to escape me, did you?  I was in your body, inside your mind.  I know you better than you know yourself._

     Sam could feel himself start to hyperventilate.  He knew that voice.  Knew it far too well.  He’d had centuries to get used to it.  Even though nothing but pitch black surrounded him, Sam closed his eyes tightly.

     “You aren’t real,” he said softly.  “You’re just in my head.”

     There was a chuckle.  Amusement.

     _Oh Sammy, I’m more than just in your head.  All that time we spent together in the cage?  I’m part of your soul._

     Sam shook his head vehemently, denying Lucifer’s words.  He said fiercely, “You’re no part of me!”

     _Are you sure about that, Sammy?_

     Sam clenched his fists, feeling lost in the darkness, feeling doubt enter his mind.  What if Lucifer was right?  What if after all that time his soul was being tortured by Lucifer and Michael he somehow absorbed part of them?  Was he even himself?

     He started to feel light-headed from hyperventilating.  He tried to calm his breathing but the terror was mounting.  Sam knew what came after the darkness and he didn’t want to see it, didn’t want to face it.

     Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and he jerked away, instinctively taking a swing to try and fight whatever was threatening him.

     “Sam!  Sammy, c’mon, man.  It’s me.  Come back, Sam!”

     Suddenly the darkness fractured like glass and fell to shards around Sam.  He was suddenly flooded with three presences in his mind.  He panicked for a moment before he recognized the mental touch of Dean, Cas and Gabriel.  He blinked rapidly, trying to bring things into focus.  Sam found that he was huddled in the corner of the bedroom, Dean kneeling in front of him with fear and concern in his green eyes.

     Sam held his gaze for a long moment, trying to piece together where he was.  Trying to ignore Lucifer’s words in his head.

     “It is not true, Sam.  There is no part of Lucifer entwined in your soul.”

     Sam glanced over Dean’s shoulder and met Cas’s September sky-blue eyes.  Cas looked concerned but sincere and Sam could feel the angel trying to soothe him through their bond.

     Sam’s attention shifted back to Dean, who was slowly reaching out a hand towards Sam.  Giving Sam time to realize whose touch he was receiving.  When Dean’s hand finally touched his shoulder, Sam shuddered.  Dean’s hand was warm and firm and chased the last of Lucifer’s phantom voice from Sam’s mind.

     Dean waited until he could see Sam accept his touch before sliding his hand gently from Sam’s shoulder to his neck.  The skin on skin contact intensified Dean’s presence in Sam’s mind and he could feel Dean’s fear, worry and concern.

     Sam was still only a moment before he surged into Dean’s arms, burying his face in Dean’s shoulder.  He felt Dean wrap his arm around him tightly.  He wasn’t surprised to feel Castiel approach them.  Was no longer taken by surprise when he felt Castiel add his touch to Dean’s.

     Though Sam had adjusted in many ways to accept the soul-deep bond he now shared with Dean and Cas and Gabriel, there were still moments, like now, when he wondered why they would have chosen to bind themselves to someone as broken as he was.

     “Don’t think like that!”  Dean’s voice was fierce, one hand holding Sam’s head to him, his other arm still wrapped tightly around his brother.  Sam could feel the fierce protectiveness Dean was radiating.

     “You are not broken, Sam.  And we’re not leaving you, you hear?”

     Sam took comfort in the fact that Dean wasn’t repulsed by him.

     Sam sensed Cas kneel down next to him and Dean, his hand rubbing soothing circles on Sam’s back.

     “Do not fear to lean on us, Sam.  We freely chose to be bound to you.  You are neither worthless nor broken.  Wounded, yes.  But we are here for you.”

     Sam felt another shudder wrack his body.  Even though he could feel Cas and Dean in his mind, could feel their fierce love and protectiveness through the bonds they shared, a part of him wanted to hide from them.  Wanted to hide the darkness and pain that still twisted through his soul like poison.

     Bad enough that he had demon blood running through his veins.  But to also have the memories of those long years of being tortured in every way possible invading the darkest recesses of his mind was almost more than he could bear.

     Sam allowed Dean and Cas to help him up from the corner he’d been huddled in and lead him to the bed.  Dean pulled him down into his arms and held him close.  He could feel Cas lay down on his other side and he allowed them to hold him between them, holding desperately to the bonds he had to them to fight the memories trying to rise to the surface.

     Sam lost track of time as he allowed the protective love of both Dean and Cas to enfold him until he finally fell into a restless sleep, cradled between them.


	2. Chapter 2

     When Gabriel appeared, he knew immediately something was wrong.  Cas, Sam and Dean were laying on the bed, Sam clasped in Dean’s protective arms.  Cas looked away from the brothers and met Gabriel’s amber eyes.

     Gabriel only hesitated a moment before he approached the bed slowly.  They had all learned over the last few months that when Sam was in this state to approach cautiously so Sam wouldn’t perceive them as a threat.  He could feel the turmoil in the hunter and his heart ached for him.

     Uncharacteristically serious, Gabriel perched on the end of the bed and gently touched Sam’s leg, allowing his presence to be felt.

     “What happened?”  Gabriel’s voice was soft so as not to disturb Sam’s uneasy slumber.  Dean’s green eyes met Gabriel’s only for a moment, but Gabriel could see the anger and the helplessness in them before Dean returned his attention to Sam.  Cas was the one to answer.

     “He was fine.  Dean and I stepped into the other room for only a moment.  Then we felt Sam’s fear surge.”

     Gabriel frowned.  Keeping his hand on Sam’s leg, he took in the hunter.  He could feel the turmoil in Sam, even in his fitful sleep.

     “He’s getting worse,” Dean said bleakly.

     Gabriel met Castiel’s eyes and the two shared a private thought.

     The first few months after Castiel and Gabriel had soul-bonded to Sam and Dean, Sam had appeared to be healing.  Though he’d had bad moments, the ties to Cas, Gabriel and Dean had seemed to help keep him stable.  And when Dean and Sam had offered to have Cas and Gabriel become part of their intimate and romantic relationship, for a short while Sam was fine.

     But a few months ago Sam had taken a turn for the worse.  After their last hunt had gone terribly wrong, Dean had decided taking a break would be the best thing.  He spoke to Bobby who suggested they retreat to Rufus’s cabin until they could sort things out with Sam.

     Gabriel could tell Dean was frustrated.  He wanted to track down Crowley and make him pay for his part in his brother’s suffering.  But Gabriel knew Dean wasn’t about to leave Sam to deal with this alone.

     Castiel and Gabriel had been spending most of their time with the brothers.  Though Gabriel was the only remaining archangel, he’d abandoned Heaven a long time ago and didn’t feel the need to be involved in whatever machinations were currently going on there.  With Michael and Lucifer in the cage and Raphael banished to Purgatory, the angels had broken into warring factions.  At least it meant the angels were too busy fighting amongst themselves to bother humankind much at the moment.

     Though Castiel had voluntarily chosen the Winchesters over following his orders from Heaven, Gabriel knew Cas still carried guilt over bringing Sam back soulless and making the original deal with Crowley to try and harness the power of Purgatory to end the civil war in Heaven.  Castiel knew he was not particularly welcome in Heaven and though that caused him pain, Gabriel knew Cas wouldn’t hesitate to choose the Winchesters had he to do it over again.

     Neither Cas nor Gabriel had come right and told Sam and Dean that by soul-bonding with the boys they had broken several of Heaven’s laws.  Angels were not supposed to become romantically involved with humans.  But the bonding between the four of them went far deeper than any of them could have foreseen and Sam and Dean had picked up that Cas and Gabriel were outcast and other angels would seek to enforce some kind of punishment for the act.

     So the four of them had taken refuge at the cabin to focus on trying to help Sam deal with the severe trauma of having been Michael and Lucifer’s whipping boy in the Cage.

     Dean seemed to understand Sam’s pain better than Cas and Gabriel.  After all, he’d spent his own time in Hell, and though he wished with everything in him he could forget it, he knew he never would.  At least it gave him a frame of reference for what Sam was dealing with.

     At the same time, Dean knew whatever he had suffered Sam had gone through so much worse.  After all, Dean had only had to deal with Alistair.  Lucifer made Alistair look like a rank amateur.

     “Dean.  Will you be all-right alone with Sam if Gabriel and I were absent for a short time?”

     Dean looked away from Sam and gazed at Cas, then Gabriel.

     “Any particular reason you two can’t talk here?  It’s not like Sam and I won’t know what’s up soon as you two are back.”

     Sam had adjusted to the thought-sensing and empathy that had come with the soul-bonding fairly quickly.  It had taken Dean some time to get used to it, not liking that he couldn’t BS them much anymore.  But knowing the alternative had been possibly losing Sam, he dealt with it.

     It did make sex a whole lot more interesting as well as intense.  Being able to feel what your lovers were feeling made the experience far more than just a physical act.

     Despite the seriousness of the situation, Gabriel grinned at Dean.  Over the months Gabriel and Dean had learned they had much more similar personalities than either had known.  It was disconcerting to both of them.

     “Cassie and I need to go consult with someone.  It’d be better if we went alone.”

     Dean raised an eyebrow and glanced at Cas.  Cas returned Dean’s look impassively, though Dean had learned to read the angel much better.  Cas was worried about Sam’s condition and wherever he and Gabriel were going had to do with that.

     Dean lifted the hand that had been stroking Sam’s hair and reached out to touch Cas on the side of the face.

     Though Dean had spent the better part of his life trying to avoid being physically affectionate, he had learned that such gestures among the four of them were more likely to be treasured than rejected.

     “Yeah, we should be good for a little while.  But keep your ears on.”

     Cas frowned a little at Dean’s phrase but Gabriel said, “We’ll be back before you know it.  But we’ll be listening, Deano.  You know we will.”

     Dean rolled his eyes at the nickname.

     Cas gently touched the hand on his face.  Of the four of them, Cas treasured the small physical gestures the most.  He was the only one of the four who had never before been in an intimate relationship and it still took him by surprise that the Winchesters had let him in.

     “We won’t be long, Dean.  I promise.”

     Dean sighed softly, ran a thumb over Cas’s cheekbone and pulled his hand back to resume gently stroking Sam’s hair.

     “We’ll be here,” Dean said softly.  He heard the rustle of wings as he gazed at Sam’s sleeping face.

     He could feel the roiling, lightning laced darkness lurking in Sam’s mind, so much deeper and more intense than the darkness Dean knew he would always carry inside him.  It was getting harder for Sam to contain it as he had at first.  And that worried Dean.  But he had no fucking clue what to do about it.  Especially since it had been different for Sam.

     When Dean had been in Hell, the demons had _wanted_ him to break, had wanted him to turn.  It was why Alastair would offer to take him off the rack if he’d torture other souls.  And he’d broken.  He’d taken everything that had been done to him and he’d applied it well.  If Cas hadn’t pulled him out of Hell, Dean had no illusions as to what he would have become.  He would never be able to forget what he was capable of.

     Sam hadn’t had any options, any hope of reprieve, any chance of escape.  He hadn’t come out and said as much, but Dean knew.  Sam had been tortured over and beyond anything Dean could imagine... and he could imagine a helluvalot.  That Sam’s soul had endured so much and Sam wasn’t a drooling wreck or totally insane and twisted was a miracle in and of itself.

     Sam had a lot of faults, but he was stronger than Dean, big brother or no.  And Dean knew it.  Dean didn’t think he could have gone through the same shit and still be sane.

     “You keep fighting, Sammy.  You hear me?”  Dean’s voice was soft but fierce.  “Don’t you give up on us now.”


	3. Chapter 3

     When Castiel and Gabriel appeared, Castiel took a moment to breathe deeply.  Even in his human vessel he could feel the difference in the air of Heaven.  There was a purity to it that was lacking on Earth.  A peace that eased his Grace.

     Castiel gazed around, taking in the verdant greens and bright colors of flowering plants.  Trees that no longer existed on Earth stretched towards the sky majestically.  It was wild and fierce and beautiful.

     The Garden existed in the very center of Heaven and was one of the few neutral places that still existed.  No angel would desecrate the ground here by fighting.  It was too deeply ingrained in what they were.

     Castiel looked at Gabriel and saw some of the tension the archangel always carried drop away.  Gabriel liked to act as though nothing ever bothered hi m.  He had spent so much time in his Trickster persona that Castiel wondered if the archangel even realized the tension was there.  But Gabriel was still an archangel and though he’d chosen to leave Heaven long ago, it was still his first home.

     “I wondered when I’d finally see the two of you,” a soft voice said behind them.

     Cas and Gabriel turned to look at the newcomer.  He wore the vessel of an older Black human and was dressed simply.  His dark eyes held serenity as he looked at Castiel and Gabriel.

     Cas inclined his head.  “Joshua,” he greeted solemnly.

     Joshua inclined his head politely to Castiel then looked at Gabriel, who wore his customary smirk.

     Joshua was the Caretaker of the Garden.  He may not have been an archangel, but he was powerful in his own quiet way.  No angel crossed or defied Joshua for any reason.

     Castiel hadn’t seen Joshua in a long time.  Having been a warrior, Cas had had few excuses to find himself in the Garden.  And though he respected Joshua, there was still that within him that felt betrayed.  Joshua had been the one to tell the Winchesters that God wouldn’t interfere in Lucifer and Michael’s attempt to bring about the Apocalypse.

     “Hey, Joshua.  Still puttering around here playing gardener?”

     Gabriel’s voice was mocking and Cas inwardly sighed at his irreverence.  It often seemed Gabriel made it his mission to take nothing seriously.

     Joshua pinned Gabriel with a gaze.  “I am.  But I’m certain you did not come to discuss horticulture, Gabriel.”

     Cas was surprised to see Gabriel squirm at the gentle rebuke in Joshua’s voice.  There weren’t many who could affect Gabriel’s unrepentant attitude.

     Joshua looked back at Castiel.  “You both know you’ve broken some serious laws.  The only reason you were even allowed to do as you have is because of the two you’ve chosen.”

     Castiel was surprised again and felt an answering surprise from Gabriel.  Neither of them thought any other angels knew what they’d done with the Winchesters.  He glanced at the archangel, blue eyes meeting amber ones with a question.  Gabriel looked at Joshua and took a step closer to Cas.  There was nothing apologetic in either his expression or his posture.

     “What does that mean, exactly?”  For a moment Castiel could feel the power flare around Gabriel, something the archangel didn’t often let happen.  It was easy to forget how powerful Gabriel really was when he was so often sarcastic and irreverent.

     Cas turned back to Joshua who didn’t appear ruffled or intimidated.  Cas studied the angel for a moment.  Joshua shook his head and  gave Gabriel the kind of look a parent would give their wayward child.

     “That you will learn soon enough.  Why have you come?  I know there is a reason.”

     Gabriel opened his mouth but Cas spoke quickly to forestall whatever comment Gabriel had been about to make.  “Sam Winchester continues to suffer.  His condition is deteriorating.  We would know if there is anything we can do to help him heal.”

     Joshua sighed.  “Human souls are not meant to leave and return to their bodies after death.  Certainly not as often as those two have managed to defy all odds.  And certainly not after spending so much time left to Lucifer’s tender mercies.  I believe Death warned Dean that there could be repercussions.”

     Cas frowned.  He knew he had eventually been against Dean’s plan to retrieve Sam’s soul.  He had known from the first time he saw Sam while he was still unconscious and recovering after Death had brought his soul back that his soul had been badly damaged.  But he refused to believe there was no hope.

     Joshua said nothing as those thoughts passed through Cas’s mind, but his dark eyes softened in compassion.

     “Look, we’re not gonna just watch Sam lose it!  If _anyone_ deserves a break, that kid does.  I mean he fought Lucifer and won long enough to stop the Apocalypse!  Who else could have pulled that off?”  Gabriel’s voice was passionate.

     Joshua raised an eyebrow.  “I did not say there was no way to save him.  There is.  Your bonds to him and his brother have already been healing damage that would not have been healed otherwise.  Tell me, have you never wondered why it is that Sam and Dean’s bond to each other is just as strong as the bonds you both have to each of them?”

     Cas and Gabriel glanced at each other in puzzlement.  Truthfully, neither of them had given it much thought.  “We assumed it was a side effect of the bonding Gabriel and I did to each of them.”  Castiel’s voice was questioning.

     Joshua shook his head solemnly.  “Were they other than who they are, the bonding would not have completed a circuit, as it has among the four of you.  From each of you to each of them, yes.  But not to each other.”

     Cas frowned.  He started to ask a question but Gabriel’s hand on his arm stopped him.  Gabriel’s amber eyes were intent on Joshua.  “This has more to do with Sam and Dean.  Who they are.”  Gabriel’s voice was serious, solemn.

     Joshua smiled a small smile.

     Feeling as though he had missed something significant Castiel gazed between Gabriel and Joshua, confusion in his blue eyes.  Gabriel continued to study Joshua.  “We can save Sam, but you won’t tell us how, will you?”

     “I have given you a hint, Gabriel.  The rest you must discover on your own.”

     Gabriel’s amber eyes flashed gold before he nodded sharply.  “C’mon, Castiel.  That’s all we’re gonna get from him.”

     Castiel again opened his mouth to speak but closed it again as Joshua’s eyes met his.  “Think on my words Castiel.  I believe you will understand.  But that is all I can say.”

     Castiel repressed a sigh.  Joshua’s voice clearly signaled their conversation was at an end.  He nodded to Joshua then glanced at Gabriel, whose eyes were still a molten gold.  Gabriel’s hand was still on his arm.

     Joshua nodded to Gabriel, a small smile on his face before he vanished with a rustle of wings, leaving Cas and Gabriel alone in the Garden.  Gabriel sighed heavily and finally dropped his hand from Castiel’s arm.

     Castiel look at Gabriel.  “Did we learn anything in coming here?”

     Gabriel snorted a laugh and looked at Castiel.  His eyes settled back to amber and though there was still concern, there was more hope than there had been.  “Cassie, we have learned quite a bit.  C’mon, let’s find somewhere more comfortable and I’ll explain.”

     Gabriel looked fondly at Cas.  “You need to learn not to be so literal, bro.  Let’s get out of here.”  With that, Gabriel grabbed Castiel’s hand and they left the Garden.

     From not far away Joshua watched the two take their leave.  “I hope they find the answer.  Those two boys are special.  And certainly worth saving.”

     He got a distant look in his eyes and cocked his head as though he was listening to something.  He smiled in response then returned to his duties as Caretaker of the Garden.


	4. Chapter 4

     “Sam, you need to eat something.”  Dean watched as Sam picked at his food without actually eating anything.

     Sam frowned before sighing and putting his fork down entirely.  He wasn’t hungry at all.  Every time he thought about trying to eat he felt vaguely nauseated.  He ran a hand through his long hair absently before gazing at Dean.

     Dean had his over-protective big brother look on his face.  Sam knew he was worried.  _Sam_ was worried.  They’d been at the cabin for two months now and he was aware his episodes were getting worse.  The harder he tried to repress his memories, the faster they seemed to leak around the edges.  Some days he felt like he was walking through a nightmare, only half present in the real world.  It was exhausting trying to navigate the labyrinth his mind had become.

     “I’ll eat later, Dean,” he said tiredly.  The restless sleep he’d gotten earlier had only left him feeling more exhausted than ever.  Formless horrors had chased him through his dreams, Lucifer’s taunting voice echoing from the shadows.

     Dean started to say something then changed his mind.  Sam was relieved.  He couldn’t deal with Dean’s badgering right now, no matter how well-intentioned.  He got up from the table and wandered over to the couch where he dropped heavily and leaned back, closing his eyes for a moment.  He sensed Dean get up as well and approach cautiously.

     - _Be careful not to frighten the crazy man,_ \- Sam thought bitterly.

     “You aren’t crazy, Sam,” Dean said as he sat next to Sam on the couch.  Dean had taken better to being able to hear Sam’s thoughts than either Cas’s or Gabriel’s.  Probably because the two of them could read each other so well it hadn’t been much of a stretch.

     “I feel like I’m crazy.  It’s getting worse, Dean.  We all know it is.  What if-“

     “Don’t say it,” Dean interrupted fiercely.  Sam opened his eyes and gazed into Dean’s green ones.

     “Not saying it won’t make it less a possibility,” Sam said with a tired smile.

     “I’m serious, Sammy.  I won’t let it happen.  We’ll find an answer.  We always do.”

     Sam shook his head.  “It’d be more convincing if you actually believed that, Dean.”

     “Hey,” Dean said, reaching out to grab Sam’s arm.  “I do believe that and you know it.”

     “Dean, Death warned you what would happen if the wall came down.  We knew it was just a matter of time.  Raphael just pushed up the time table.”

     For a moment Sam was caught up in the disorienting moment when he’d felt something in his head shift and shatter before he’d been dropped into chaos and torment.  He flinched as Dean tightened the hold on his arm.  “Cas and Gabe wouldn’t have bothered trying it they hadn’t thought the soul-bond would help.  Don’t just give up Sam.”

     Sam gazed at the hand on his arm.  The physical contact made Dean’s feelings almost painfully intense.  Dean was pissed but he was also scared.  Sam placed a hand over Dean’s and didn’t say anything.  He wasn’t giving up.  But he was tired.

     Sam looked up as Cas and Gabriel appeared in the cabin.  It was nice not to be constantly startled whenever one of the angels appeared as they’d often been before the bonding.  Being bound so tightly, Sam and Dean always had a sense of where the angels were, how close or how far away and when they were going to show up.  Cas and Gabriel had more practice keeping their thoughts to themselves, but both of them emoted pretty strongly.

     Blue eyes met Sam’s green-hazel gaze and Cas came over to the couch to sit on Sam’s other side.  Sam frowned at the intensity in Cas’s eyes.

     “What is it?” Sam asked, a little unnerved.  Then he caught a flurry of thoughts from Gabriel.  His eyes widened as Dean exclaimed, “What the Hell, Gabe?”

     “Sorry, sorry.  Just let me explain.”

     “You went to see Joshua?” Sam asked, still caught in Cas’s gaze.  Cas nodded solemnly.  Without warning he leaned in to kiss Sam lightly on the lips.  Sam couldn’t hide his surprise.  Cas wasn’t very demonstrative at the best of times.  Since learning about physical intimacy, he was often shy about it.  He almost never initiated anything, no matter how badly he wanted to.  Sam felt his eyes widen as Cas pulled away for a moment then leaned in to Sam’s side.

     Sam stared at the angel tucked up against him.  Dean had finally convinced Cas to wear something other than his customary suit and trench coat at least some of the time.  Right now he was wearing a dark gray T-shirt and dark jeans and Sam was momentarily distracted by Cas’s shoulders.  He slid one arm around Cas to hold him closer, letting the warmth seep into his side.

     “We thought maybe Joshua might have an idea on how to help with all the crap you’re dealing with, Sam.  You know, since Dad actually talks to him and all.”

     Sam looked away from the angel at his side when he felt a surge of anger from Dean.

     “Yeah, ‘cuz God’s been oh so helpful in the past.  What the actual fuck, Gabe?”  Sam watched Dean’s green eyes blaze as he glared at the archangel.  As usual, Gabe didn’t look the least bit repentant.

     “Look, Deano, Dad might not have wanted to get involved in the showdown between Michael and Lucifer but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care at all.  I mean, he did give both of you free passes to Heaven.”

     “Yeah, and if He’d done something about _your_ brothers, _mine_ wouldn’t be in this condition now!”

     “Dean,” Sam said softly when it was clear Dean was winding up for a tirade.  Dean shut his mouth with a snap, sat back against the couch and crossed his arms, glaring at Gabriel.

     “Hey, you might not be so pissed off after you learn what Joshua had to say.  Or didn’t say.  However you want to look at it.”

     Dean continued to glare in silence.  Gabriel rolled his eyes.  “And this is exactly why we didn’t tell you where we were going.  Hold grudges much?  Do you wanna be pissed or do you wanna hear what we figured out?”

     Dean gestured with one hand, as if to say “carry on”.  Sam rolled his eyes.  And Dean called _him_ a princess.

     “I heard that,” Dean muttered.

     “You were supposed to,” Sam replied and looked at Gabriel.  He was still trying to figure out why Cas was just pressed up against his side.  Wait... was he cuddling?  Before that thought could find an adequate answer in Sam’s addled mind, Gabriel started talking again.

     “Yes, Sasquatch, he’s cuddling.  Focus, please?  You two have figured out by now that we weren’t exactly supposed to bond to you, right?  The whole angel-human thing is seriously frowned on and all that.  Most angels wouldn’t bother anyway considering their opinions on humans.  But Cassie here is a rebel and I think a lot of Heaven’s laws are stupid anyway.”

     “Gabe,” Dean said in a fed up voice.

     “Getting there, geez, show some patience maybe, Deano?  Anyway, Joshua said that the reason we were allowed to was because it was you two chuckle-heads and not just two random Joes.”

     Dean’s glare faded into a frown.  He looked at Sam, who shrugged.  “Wait, this doesn’t have anything to do with me and Sam being vessels does it?”  Sam could feel Dean’s anger start to rise again and repressed a sigh.

     “Gabe, just spit it out before Dean starts raging,” Sam said in exasperation.

     Gabriel looked at the expression on Dean’s face and shook his head.  He came over and wedged himself on to the couch next to Dean.  Sam shifted a little so he wasn’t quite so squashed up against Dean.  The couch really wasn’t intended for four people, even four who were as intimate with each other as they were.  When he shifted, Cas pressed in a little closer and Sam once again found his thoughts drifting towards the angel pressed into his side who still hadn’t spoken a word.

     “Are you okay, Cas?”  Sam was starting to feel some concern over Cas’s behaviour.  Dean finally looked away from Gabriel and over to Cas, whose dark head was resting on Sam’s shoulder.  Some of the anger bled out of Dean at the sight.

     Cas was silent for a moment longer.  Then Sam and Dean heard in their minds, clear as a bell, - _I’m fine, Sam.  I just feel a need to be close to you at the moment._ -

     Sam and Dean stared at each other then both looked at Cas.  That had been way different than just picking up thoughts from each other.  That had felt deliberately projected.

     Gabriel grinned.  “You both heard him, didn’t you?”

     Green and green-hazel eyes turned to Gabriel.

     “He only sent that thought to Sam, but you both heard him, right?”  Sam and Dean continued to stare at Gabriel in confusion.

     “Joshua’s the one who mentioned it.  Cas and I bonded to both of you.  But ever since, you two have been reacting to each other the same way as to me and Cas.  And there’s only one reason that would happen.”

     Dean turned to look at Sam, eyebrow arched.  “Is he making any sense to you?”

     Sam frowned as a thought teased at his mind.  Something someone had said once.  Who had said it?  Ash.  Something Ash had said when he and Dean had been in Heaven.  Something about special cases sharing the same Heaven.

      Dean’s eyes widened as he picked up on Sam’s thoughts.  “You gotta be shittin’ me,” he said incredulously.  He turned wide green eyes to Gabriel and repeated, “You have got to be shittin’ me!”

     Gabriel smirked.  “You’re telling me this _never_ occurred to you?”

     “But... soul-mates?”  Sam’s voice was faint.  He hadn’t thought much about the implications to him and Dean when Ash had mentioned it, and he hadn’t really had time to think about it later.

     “You’re saying...  Sam and I are soul-mates?”  Dean’s voice was caustic.  “C’mon, what are the odds?”

     “That’s just it,” Gabriel exclaimed.  “You and Sam here seem to defy all the odds.  You two keep breaking all the rules and still manage to find each other, no matter what.  I know Zack said it was all co-dependency, but seriously, think about it.  Both of you are vessels to the two most powerful archangels that exist, you’ve both been to Hell and back, you’re soul-mates – intimate ones at that – and now you’re bonded to me and Cas here.”

     “But what does that mean for Sam?” Dean asked as Sam felt a flush crawl up his face.

     “It means that Sam can heal from his trauma.”  Cas’s voice drifted up from the vicinity of Sam’s shoulder.

     “Exactly!”  Gabriel grinned.

     Sam and Dean stared at each other wordlessly.


	5. Chapter 5

     “I don’t understand how me and Dean being soul-mates is the key, though,” Sam said, several hours later.  After Cas had stated that Sam could heal, he’d kissed Sam rather seriously.  Sam hadn’t objected and gotten side-tracked by Castiel’s shoulders again.  Which had led to Sam and Cas retiring to the bedroom where Sam had peeled the T-shirt and jeans off of Cas and proceeded to explore the angel thoroughly.  Cas had returned the favour, which Sam had enthusiastically approved.

     Gabriel and Dean had joined them some time later, both naked and reeking of sex.  Sam had noticed that both Gabriel and Dean had an exhibitionist side to them.  Both had been known to wander around the cabin naked just to tease the others.  And both of them had a thing about public sex acts.

     Gabriel was fond of pranks and Dean could give as good as he got.  Sam suspected they each had a measure of respect for the other but they’d never verbalize it.

     Though Cas and Gabe didn’t need sleep like Sam and Dean did, they tended to spend the nights with the brothers.  Sam was glad they did or Dean would have never gotten enough sleep for trying to keep an eye on Sam.

     As Sam’s episodes, as they called his all-too frequent check-outs from reality, increased in frequency, his nightmares got worse and he became prone to sleep-walking.  One of the angels was always around if Sam and Dean both needed sleep because when Sam dropped into trauma-induced nightmares he could literally disappear from their mental connection.

     They’d also learned the hard way that trying to wake him from the nightmares was not a good idea.  Unlike his episodes when he was awake, touching him while in the midst of a nightmare would send Sam into a full-blown flashback.  After witnessing only two of those, Dean refused to allow ANYONE near Sam if he was in the midst of a nightmare.  Even though it went against every instinct Dean had, watching and hearing Sam scream himself hoarse through those two flashbacks had torn Dean to pieces.  At least the nightmares weren’t as bad or as intense.  Without Cas and Gabriel to help support them, Sam knew Dean would have been no better off than he was.

     Trying to block out the intrusive memories and ignore the hallucinations, especially Lucifer, only seemed to make things worse.  So Sam was at a loss as to how to deal with them.  Winchesters were always better at shoving things down and ignoring them rather than dealing with them.  Even Sam, for all he talked about things more than Dean did.  Sam knew if his condition continued to deteriorate at the rate it currently was, even with the soul-bond to the angels he was going to be more locked inside his trauma and less capable of finding his way back to reality.  And he feared that as close as the soul-bond was between the four of them he’d end up pulling at least Dean with him.

     Which was why, as Sam held Cas close to him and Dean and Gabe were settling into bed with them (a bed for four, courtesy of Gabriel) Sam voiced his question to Cas.

     Cas, who was laying with his head on Sam’s shoulder with an arm across Sam’s stomach and his hand resting on Dean’s hip, tilted his head so that his intense blue gaze met Sam’s apprehensive green-hazel eyes.

     Castiel seemed to consider his words carefully before speaking.  For once, Gabriel wasn’t trying to jump in and explain.

     “Gabriel believes that because of what you and Dean are and what you have both been through it has made you more than just human.  He thinks that is why we were allowed to soul-bond to you in the first place.  The kind of bond Gabriel and I have to you and Dean is usually only angel to angel because...”  Cas’s voice trailed off awkwardly, uncertain how the phrase something none of them had actually put words to yet.

     Dean saved him the trouble.  “We know, Cas.  Sam figured it out a while ago.  Angels only bond like this to their mates, right?”

     Castiel looked astonished that Dean made the statement so calmly.  He looked away from Sam to Dean who was pressed up against Sam’s other side and appeared far less upset than Cas would have expected.  Especially since neither he nor Gabriel had mentioned that fact when the idea of bonding had come up.

     Dean sighed a little at the look on Cas’s face.  “By the time Sam figured it out and told me, you two were already officially part of our relationship.  Because both Sam and I wanted that.”  Dean’s voice was softer than usual and yet still managed to be slightly defiant.

     Sam had been surprised Dean had taken the knowledge that they were both mated to Cas and Gabriel so well.  When Sam had realized the significance of the bond he’d been a little freaked about it.  That Dean took it in stride had actually thrown Sam.

     Gabriel, who was laying across the foot of the bed chuckled.  Dean shoved him with his foot and Gabriel just laughed harder.

     Sam rolled his eyes.  “It still doesn’t explain why me and Dean being soul-mates is the key, especially since I’ve been getting worse.”  His voice darkened and the humor vanished from the air.

     “See, here’s the thing,” Gabriel said, taking over for Castiel.  “If you weren’t soul-mates, you wouldn’t be bonded as tightly to each other as you are to me and Cassie.  Joshua said that our bonds close a circuit between the four of us.  Without that extra link, Sam, you’d be far worse.  Joshua said that being bonded has already been healing parts of your soul that wouldn’t have healed otherwise.”

     Sam looked skeptical but didn’t interrupt.

     “Wait,” Dean said, eye narrowed.  “The only way that the bonding between us could ‘complete a circuit’ as you say, would mean you and Cas have to be bonded, too.”

     Dean gazed at Gabriel, then at Cas, whose face was slowly turning red.

     “You and Gabe chose to bond to each other when you bonded to me and Dean.”  Sam’s voice was a gentle statement, not a question.

     Cas stared into Sam’s eyes.  “It was necessary, Sam.  We didn’t want to lose you.”

     Truthfully Castiel had never believed he’d form a mating bond with anyone.  He’d been a warrior and often on the front lines.  And he was different from other angels.  Cas never thought any of the others would want to tie themselves to him for eternity.  Another reason he had been surprised when Gabriel brought up the bonding.

     “You didn’t just do this for me, did you?” Sam asked, eyes wide.  “I mean, I could be wrong, but only death can break a mating bond, right?”

     “It wasn’t **just** for you, Sam,” Gabriel said, uncustomarily serious.  “If Castiel and I had been incompatible the whole thing wouldn’t have happened.  So don’t even go blaming yourself for something both Cas and I wanted.”

      Sam looked at Cas, as did Dean.

     Castiel looked solemn, though his cheeks were still red.  “He speaks the truth.  I was not coerced into the bonding.  The bond cannot work without love being present between the ones bonding each other.  But it does not always begin as romantic love.”

     Castiel looked shyly at Gabriel and said softly, “I never believed I would have a mate, much less three.”

     Dean cleared his throat.  “So, our bonding closes a circuit between us.  And Sam could be worse off.  But Cas said he could heal.  If that’s true, why has he been getting worse?  What’s the deal?”

     Gabriel looked at Sam, still serious.  His amber eyes almost glowed.  “A lot is going to depend on Sam.  Because to heal he’s going to have to stop trying to repress the memories.  Stop trying to avoid them.  He’s going to have to accept that they happened but that it’s over.  He’s going to have to trust that the bonds he has to us will always be there, a pathway through the horror and pain leading him back to reality.”

     Sam felt himself pale at Gabriel’s word.  “Please tell me you aren’t serious,” Sam said in disbelief.

    Dean sat up in the bed, reacting to Sam’s distress.  He had a frown on his face and the beginning of anger in his eyes.  “I didn’t have to do that and I’m just fine,” Dean said belligerently.

     Gabriel looked at him, an eyebrow raised.  “Are you?”

     Dean felt a flush in his cheeks.  His time in Hell had irreversibly changed him.  He knew that, had to live with it every day.  But he hadn’t gone through what Sam was dealing with.  Before he could speak, Gabriel continued.

     “Dean, your experiences in Hell were on a whole different level.  For one, your soul spent a fraction of the time in Hell that Sam’s did.  For another, Alastair was the one who worked you over.  Lucifer taught Alastair everything he knew, but Lucifer can be infinitely more creative than Alastair could have imagined.  Not to mention, you were given an option to escape the torture.  Sam wasn’t.”

     Sam flinched as Gabriel laid things out.  An echo of Lucifer’s laughter whispered through his mind and Sam suddenly felt way too exposed for the conversation.  He pulled away from Cas and Dean and climbed out of the bed.

     “Sam?”  Dean’s voice was worried.

     “Just putting on some clothes,” Sam said as he went over to the old dresser and opened a drawer.  He tried to ignore how his hands were shaking.  He pulled out a T-shirt and a pair of sweat pants and pulled them on.  Then he stood there for a long silent moment, trying to pull himself together.

     _You’re broken, Sam.  I should know.  I broke you.  And you broke so beautifully._

     Sam clenched his fists, trying to ignore Lucifer’s words.

     “Sam?”  More concern in Dean’s voice this time.

     Sam turned to look at Dean through a haze of flames.  Cas and Gabriel had also sat up and all three were staring at Sam.  Sam took a deep breath, then another, holding tight to the bonds he had to each of them.  Ignoring Lucifer’s voice, he concentrated on each of his lovers and the reality of the cabin bedroom.  He forced himself to see past the flames until they started to fade.

     _You know what they say, Sam.  Win a battle..._

    Lucifer’s voice faded from Sam’s mind and Sam slowly let his fists unclench, letting his hands hang by his sides.  He looked at Gabriel.  “What do I have to do?”  Sam’s voice was serious, desperate.  He couldn’t keep going on this way.

     Cas got out of the bed and approached Sam.  He seemed completely unaware of his nudity.  However with the memories of Lucifer’s torments so close to the surface, Sam was keenly aware of Castiel’s unclothed state.  He gazed at the floor, refusing to meet Cas’s eyes.

     “It won’t be easy, Sam,” Cas said softly, trying to send comfort along the bond he shared with Sam.  He picked up on Sam’s distress over his nudity and in the blink of an eye he was wearing a T-shirt and sleep pants.

     Sam felt his breathing ease and slowly looked up to meet Cas’s blue-eyed gaze.  Sam didn’t see disgust or pity in Castiel’s eyes, which helped him to take another deep breath.

     “Not only will you have to accept the memories, you’re going to have to find a way to let them out.  You cannot keep this bottled inside you.  You have to let it out.  You have to talk to us.”

     Sam shuddered.  He didn’t want his lovers to know what had been done to him.  What if they decided he was too damaged and left him?  He’d truly go mad then.

     “We’re not leaving, Sammy,” Dean said fiercely from the bed where he still sat.  “We all chose this.  We all chose you.  You were strong enough to endure what you did without it breaking you.  And you aren’t alone in this.”

     Sam could feel Dean’s conviction through their bond and he held onto it like a lifeline.

     “It’s also gonna take some time, Sammy-boy.  It won’t go away all at once.”  Gabriel still looked serious and Sam found that he preferred the Trickster with a wicked smile and cutting sarcasm.

     Sam approached the bed slowly, reluctantly, Cas staying close.  He stood there awkwardly, glancing back and forth between Dean and Gabriel.  He wrapped his arms around himself as though trying to hold himself together.

     “Sam.  It would be best to get some sleep first.  And Gabriel is correct.  What was done to you cannot be healed over night.  But we can help.  You will not be alone.”

     Sam could feel Cas’s body heat along his side, though the angel didn’t touch him.  He took a deep shuddery breath, stared at the floor and said in a soft voice, “Can you two get dressed, please?  I won’t be able to relax enough to sleep if...”  He let his voice fade, shame turning his cheeks red.

     He heard Gabriel snap his fingers and chanced a glance up at his brother and the archangel.  Both were dressed as he and Castiel were and the last tight knot in Sam’s gut finally loosened.  Still, he hesitated before climbing back into the bed.

     Gabriel stood up and shared a look with Castiel.  Cas nodded and also returned to the bed so he and Dean were on either side of Sam.  Sam tensed for a moment then slowly breathed out, trying to let go of the tension.

     Dean watched his brother try to relax.  “Are you touchable?” Dean asked softly.  Sam looked at Dean, something so shattered in his green-hazel eyes that Dean couldn’t resist putting his arms around Sam and pulling him close.  It took a moment for Dean to realize Sam was crying and muttering, “I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry,” over and over again.

     Dean ran his fingers through Sam’s hair as he held him tightly.  “Nothing to apologize for, Sammy.  You didn’t do nothing wrong.”  Dean could feel the distress and self-hatred pouring off of Sam and senseless rage rose in him.  After all, there was nothing to kill, nothing to fight, nothing to shoot.  He couldn’t protect Sam from this.

     Cas touched Sam gently on the back.  “If you allow me to, Sam, I can at least help you to sleep for now.”  Castiel’s voice was soothing.  Sam only nodded, his face buried in Dean’s chest.

     Cas gently ran a hand over Sam’s hair.  Through their bond, Dean could feel Cas’s angel mojo easing Sam.  The soft crying and muttering died away until Sam was still in Dean’s embrace.  Dean looked at Cas, anger and sorrow in equal measure in their green depths.  Cas sighed softly, letting his hand rest on Sam’s back.

     “We need to talk while Sammy-boy’s sleeping,” Gabriel said.  Dean was still jarred that the usually irreverent archangel was still so serious.

     Dean frowned.  “Why do I feel like there’s bad news coming?” Dean asked softly, so as not to wake Sam.

     Gabriel perched on the end of the bed where he could rest a hand on Sam’s leg.  Physical contact always seemed to help the younger hunter from sliding into psychosis.  Then he met Dean’s eyes.

     “Dean, while Cas and I did talk about how we could help Sam, you gotta realize this has never been done before.  Most souls tortured the way Sam was either turn into demons or shatter completely.  That neither of those things happened to Sam is a miracle in and of itself.”

     Dean’s eyes narrowed.  “Cas said he could heal,” Dean said, stubbornly.

     “I did not lie, Dean.  Sam **can** heal.  But he could also break.”  Dean’s eyes flew to Cas.

     “Do you recall how you felt after escaping Hell, Dean?”  Cas’s blue eyes held on to Dean and he couldn’t look away.  He swallowed hard, remembering the nightmares, drinking himself stupid just to sleep, the visions of what had been done to him and what he himself had done.  And how he’d felt when Alastair told him he’d broken the first seal.  Shame flooded Dean and Cas nodded solemnly.

     “And you chose Hell to save your brother.  Whatever it is that you feel, multiply that by a thousand and add in the knowledge that there would be no escape.”

     Dean swallowed hard and finally pulled his gaze from Cas to look at Sam.

     “Sam has gone through horrors no human alive has ever experienced, Dean.  That he’s even functioning now is only partly due to Death’s intercession.”  Gabriel looked fondly at Sam, held protectively by Dean.

     “I don’t understand.  If it wasn’t due to Death, then how is he... why is he...”  Dean’s voice trailed away.  The time he and Sam had spent apart had hurt far more than any torture Alastair could have devised.  Even thinking about it in a roundabout way hurt Dean, squeezed his heart and made it hard to breathe.

     “You, Dean.”  Gabriel and Cas were both looking at Dean now.

     He glanced between them.  “Me?”

     Cas nodded.  “Ultimately, though Sam was truly trying to atone for setting Lucifer free, everything he did, every reason he held to whatever shreds of sanity in the Cage begin and end with you.”

     Dean started to shake his head in denial when Gabriel asked, “Wouldn’t you do the same for him?”

     Dean froze and looked at the giant sleeping form of his little brother.  There was only one answer to that question and Cas and Gabe both knew it.  Suddenly pieces started to fall into place.

     “That’s why it matters that we’re soul-mates.  Whether he heals or not is gonna come down to whether I can endure watching him go through Hell... again.”

     Cas nodded.

     “Me and Cas, he loves us.  We know that.  But we’re angels.  We’re not human.  You have the strongest hold on his heart, Dean.  Cas and I can help, and we’ll do everything we can.  But you... this is gonna hurt you, too, Dean.  It can’t help but do so.  And if you can’t be strong enough for him, he _will_ break.”

     Dean glared at Gabriel, hating his words but hearing the truth in them anyway.  He gazed down at Sam.  “Maybe this is why I went to Hell,” he said softly.  “Not because of the deal, or the first seal, but to help Sammy come through in one piece.”

     If that were the case, then Dean could do it.  He would do anything for Sam, he knew that now.  He would do whatever it took, no matter the cost, to make sure Sam healed.

     “Dean.”

     Dean looked up and met Castiel’s eyes again.

     “We are here for you as well.  The bonds we share... they are not just for Sam’s sake.  They are for yours as well.”

     Dean felt a flush on his cheeks.  He wanted to protest, to deny, to say he didn’t need it.  But he knew he’d be lying and too much was at stake now for him to afford to lie, to himself or anyone else.  Dean nodded his head, just once.

     There was silence among them for a long moment.  Then Gabriel spoke softly.  “You should try to sleep, Deano.”

     Again Dean nodded without saying anything.  He got more comfortable, holding Sam close, the most precious thing in his world.

     They would get through this.  Dean had to believe that.  Because he couldn’t accept anything else.


	6. Chapter 6

     Sam crawled out of sleep slowly, trying to get his bearings.  He felt arms around him, a hand on his back and another on his calf.  Squeezing his eyes tightly shut, he panicked and froze, trying not to move.

     “Sammy?” a sleepy voice he recognized spoke softly... but Sam was scared to open his eyes.  Lucifer had played that card too many times.

     Then he felt a pulse of warmth.  Once he recognized that, he could sense the bonds to Dean, Cas and Gabriel.  He let out a shuddery breath and slowly opened his eyes.  Concerned green eyes filled his field of vision.

     “Dean?” Sam asked softly.

     Dean smiled.  “Yeah it's me, Sammy.”

     As Sam became more conscious, he realized it was Cas's hand on his back, now rubbing soothing circles, and Gabriel's hand on his leg.

     Dean kissed his forehead and Sam's eyes widened at the spontaneous show of affection.  Something was different, but he couldn't figure out just what it was yet.  Dean didn't tend towards spontaneous affectionate gestures.

     He laid there, head pillowed on Dean's shoulder as he slowly became fully conscious.  For the moment he was content to lay where he was, Dean's arm around his waist, Cas's soothing presence at his back and Gabriel giving his leg a gentle squeeze every now and then.  Slowly, the conversation from the night before filtered into Sam's mind.

     He sat up abruptly, startling both Dean and Cas.  “What do I have to do?”  Sam asked abruptly.

     No one even tried to pretend to misunderstand the completely out of context comment.

     “Whoa, kiddo.  Breakfast first.  Then we can talk about it, okay?”  Gabriel smiled at Sam, who was happy to see him do so.  Serious Gabriel had been unnerving.

     Dean sat up, a little more slowly than Sam, and stretched, trying to work out kinks from spending the night curled around his large little brother.

     “Breakfast sounds good to me,” Dean said, green eyes brightening.  Sam looked at his brother and grinned at his sleep-mussed hair.  Impulsively he reached over and ruffled Dean's hair.

     “Hey!”  Dean's voice was indignant and he batted Sam's hand away.  Sam laughed at the expression on Dean's face.  For once the morning felt normal and he found, to his surprise, that he was actually hungry.

     “I could probably eat some breakfast,” he said, shoving hair away from his face.  Dean grinned and opened his mouth.  “Shut-up,” Sam said before Dean could say a word.  The argument about the length of his hair was an old one and it made Sam grin.

     Gabriel patted his leg and popped up from the bed.  “I'll go get breakfast together while you boys wash up.”  He disappeared from the bedroom, headed for the kitchen.

     Castiel looked at the smile on Sam's face and felt his heart ache.  It wasn't often these days that the younger Winchester wore such an open and happy expression.  Cas wished Sam could always smile in such a way.  He was flattered when Sam turned his grin towards the angel.  His green-hazel eyes sparkled, no shadows currently in their depths.

     Sam's grin softened as he met the bright blue eyes of the angel.  He leaned over and kissed Cas on the cheek.  “Thank-you,” he said, softly.

     Cas looked puzzled.  “For what are you thanking me, Sam?”

     “You really helped me sleep better.  So I'm saying thank-you.  It was like I could feel all three of you guarding me and keeping the darkness away.”

     Cas smiled a small smile.  “I would stand between you and your darkness always if I could, Sam.”

     Dean groaned as he climbed out of the bed.  “Isn't it a little early for the sweetness?  I think I might hurl.”

     Cas frowned, looking puzzled.  “I don't understand what you mean, Dean.”

     Dean waved a hand at him as he headed for the bathroom and Sam laughed again.  “Just ignore him, Cas.  Dean doesn't do sap this early.  You know how he is.”

     The puzzled frown remained on Cas's face.  “Sap?”

     Sam shook his head and reached a hand out to gently cup Cas's face.  Cas instinctively nuzzled into Sam's large hand, puzzled frown fading and a softness only his bond-mates got to see spread over his features.  Sam felt himself stirring with slight arousal as Castiel's stubble brushed against his palm.  He ran a thumb over Cas's cheekbone and Cas's blue eyes darkened a little as he gazed at Sam.

     “No fun and games until after breakfast, boys!”  Gabriel's voice drifted through the open bedroom door.  Sam rolled his eyes before leaning over to kiss Cas on the forehead.

     “We should get up,” Sam said reluctantly.  But he didn't pull his hand away immediately.  Castiel was grounding for Sam and he felt his anxieties fall away.  Cas smiled at Sam, turned his face, and kissed his palm.  For all that Cas was new to intimate human relationships, sometimes he really picked up on the little gestures.

     “Breakfast is important, Sam.  You should eat.”  Cas's voice was serious, though his eyes flickered briefly to Sam's lips and his blue eyes darkened just a bit more.

     “You two coming to breakfast or staying in bed?”  Dean's voice startled Sam into looking away from Cas.  Dean's green eyes twinkled knowingly and Sam blushed.  Dean laughed as he came over to the bed and kissed Sam.

     “You really should eat, you know, Sasquatch.  You lose any more weight and you're gonna start looking like a Reaper.”  Dean's voice was light and he wore a smile, but Sam could feel real worry through their bond.

     “Sam would have to change much more than simply losing weight to appear as a Reaper, Dean,” Cas said.  Dean rolled his eyes and shook his head.  “It's too early to be explaining things.  I'm going to eat breakfast.”  Dean turned and left the room shaking his head and muttering to himself.

     Sam looked back at Cas.  “Guess breakfast first, Cas, “Sam said.  Cas nodded.

     They both climbed out of the large bed, Cas headed out of the bedroom, Sam headed to the bathroom.  When Sam had finished washing up, he paused and looked himself over in the mirror.

     He hadn't been paying much attention to his appearance lately.  Trying to keep hold of reality had been hard enough.  But he could see that he had lost weight.  He was paler than usual, but his eyes didn't look near as haunted as they had the last time he'd bothered to look in a mirror.  There were still shadows there, but they had receded for the moment.

     Breakfast was easy, despite the tension building in Sam.  He managed to eat without feeling like everything was going to make a repeat appearance and without any random memories being triggered.  The conversation was casual, Dean and Gabe doing their usual back and forth snarking.  Cas was the only one quiet, watching Sam with a little heat in his eyes and a question.

     Sam's eyes kept drifting back to the bright blue eyes trained on him.  The mild arousal he'd felt before kept building the longer Cas watched him.  Finally Dean sighed heavily and said, “Would you two just go get it out of your system already?”  His voice sounded a little strained and a lot desperate.  Sam looked at Dean with a grin and a raised eyebrow.  Dean looked harried and agitated and Sam could feel through their bond that Dean was turned on just as much from watching Sam and Cas.

     “You're welcome to join in, Dean,” Sam said as he pushed away from the table.  Cas had also stood and was now looking at Dean as well.  Sam took a deep breath as the combined surge of want from both Cas and Dean washed over him.  Gabriel just smirked.

     He made a shooing motion with his hands.  “Go.  I gotta take care of something.  I'll be back before you know it.  Don't miss me too much.”  And like that, he was gone.

     If Sam wasn't so eager to spend some quality time with Dean and Cas he might have wondered about how fast Gabe had cleared out.  But he was focused on Dean and Cas like a laser and he didn't give it much thought.

     Dean gazed hungrily at Cas, then at Sam.  He also stood up from the table, coming around to where Cas stood.  Cas leaned in to kiss Dean as soon as the hunter was close enough.  Dean casually wrapped an arm around Cas's waist, familiarity with the angel no longer a surprise.

     Sam watched the two kiss, feeling himself get hard at the sight.  There was something so hot about watching Dean kiss.  Probably because Sam knew just how good Dean was at it.

     Pulled towards the two, Sam pressed against Cas's back, one hand resting on Dean's at Cas's waist.  Dean pulled out of the kiss with Cas to look up into Sam's eyes.  His green eyes were fever bright and the pupils were quickly overtaking the bright color.  But what hit Sam hardest, what always hit him, was feeling both Dean's and Cas's desire through the bonds they shared.  It was so much more than a physical thing.

     Cas drew Sam's other arm around him so he was held between the two brothers firmly.  Dean leaned over Cas's shoulder, Sam meeting him halfway in a searing kiss, tongues tangling.  Sam felt like he was drowning in both the physical and emotional sensations.  Distantly he realized that Cas had pulled his hand down to his crotch and was holding it there, wedged between his cock and Dean's.

     Dean was still kissing him fiercely and possessively.  Sam groaned into Dean's mouth and decided there were too many layers of clothing amongst the three of them.  He broke the kiss, breathing heavily, erection pressing firmly into Cas's lower back.

     “Cas, clothes,” Sam said, voice husky.  Cas whimpered low in his throat and suddenly all three of them were in the bedroom and stripped of everything.  Dean grinned at Cas.  “Now that's a use of angel mojo I have no objections to.”

     Sam whimpered at the shock of suddenly being naked and pressed against Cas.  He lowered his head to Cas's neck to suck at it.  He felt a hand slide across his lower back and down to caress his bare ass.

     After that it was mostly sensation, skin on skin, hands roaming, moans and hot kisses.  Sam let himself fall into the feelings, let them wash over and through him.  The fierce love he felt for them both made his heart throb almost painfully.

     He found himself laying on his back, Cas buried balls deep in him, leaning over and kissing and sucking at his nipples.  Dean caught his eye over Cas’s shoulders, his hands on Cas’s waist as he thrust into the angel.  There were no words spoken.  They really didn’t need them.  This morning seemed to be more about reconnecting than the actual sex itself.

     Cas jerked Sam off slowly, still kissing his chest.  Sam found himself clutching the sheets and watching Dean as Dean fucked into the angel.  Dean held his eye contact, no words actually said but both of them picking up the thoughts of the other.  The intensity stepped up as they held each other’s eyes while fucking and being fucked.  Sam felt like something was building inside him.  More than the orgasm curling in him.  He could sense a new layer of feral fierceness in his brother, something more than the protectiveness he always had for Sam.

     Eyes locked on each other, with Cas between them, Sam suddenly heard Dean’s voice clear in his head.

     - _I won’t lose you, Sammy.  I’ll hold on and never let go.  Believe that._ -

     The combination of Dean’s voice in his head and Cas’s hand on his cock pushed him over the edge into orgasm with a suddenness that took his breath away.  He rode it out, almost losing track of his surroundings.

     When he finally came back to himself and was aware of the physical world again, Cas was laying on one side of him, Dean on the other.  He blinked heavy lids as he looked at the angel snuggled into his side, head nestled on his shoulder, arm slung across his waist, fingers resting on the dip of Dean’s hip.  Cas blinked up at him, blue eyes intense.  Then he smiled one of his rare smiled at Sam that was more open than any expression anyone outside of them ever saw.

     Then he turned to look at Dean, whose head was propped on one hand while his other arm rested across Sam’s chest.  As soon as his eyes met Dean’s, the fierce thought he had projected came back to Sam and he felt his eyes widen.  Dean raised an eyebrow and smirked.  There was a hint of challenge in those green eyes and before Sam had thought it through he’d tossed a thought directly at Dean.

     - _Learning new tricks?_ -

     Dean’s smirk turned into a fierce grin.  Sam felt like maybe he’d missed a conversation somewhere.  There was obviously more significance to the direct thought projection than he was aware of.

     “It is further proof that you are soul-mates, Sam.”  Cas’s voice had Sam looking away from Dean and back to the angel.  Cas’s eyes were flickering between Sam and Dean and Sam sensed contentment and conviction from him.  “That you can directly project your thoughts to each other, not simply sense the thoughts that pass through the other’s mind proves how deep your connection is.  And is further proof that you can heal from the damage that was done to you.”

     Gabriel appeared in the room without ceremony and said, “Not that Cassie or I had any doubts.  But you boys weren’t so sure.”  Sam and Dean both looked at Gabriel standing at the foot of the bed with a smirk.

     “So why the disappearing act?” Dean asked.

     Gabriel shrugged and his smirk turned into a sheepish grin.  “Archangel, remember?  Needed to make sure I wasn’t blocking you two.  Now that you’ve made the connection, I won’t be able to, but it might be why it’s taken so long for the two of you to cross that final bridge.”  His amber eyes travelled over the three disheveled bodies.  “Looks like much fun was had by all.”  Gabriel’s sheepish grin became a smirk again.

     Sam still felt like he was missing something.  He could just feel something in the currents around Cas, Gabe and Dean.  Sam looked at each of them in turn and said, “So is anyone going to tell me exactly what I missed?  Because clearly _something_ happened while I was sleeping.”

     Gabriel perched on the edge of the bed and looked at Dean.  Sam felt tension in both Cas and Dean.  Then Dean sighed heavily and said, “They explained why us being soul-mates was such a crucial piece of the puzzle.”

     Dean looked at Sam.  “I’m your anchor,” he said.  But Sam heard more than just the words Dean spoke.  He again felt that protectiveness that had shifted somehow.  He also caught a jumble of thoughts and a flare of pain.

     Sam struggled to a sitting position, glancing between Cas and Gabe.  Both angels were already gazing his way.  “I thought that’s what the soul-bonds were for.  To anchor me to reality.”

     Gabe nodded.  “Initially, yes.  And because we’ve bonded you both, your soul has healed more than it would have otherwise.  But for this part of the healing... you need the person closest to your heart.  And that’s Deano.”

     Sam swallowed hard.  He remembered what Gabe had said last night.  He’d have to accept the memories instead of continuing to block them.  Which wasn’t working well anyway.  “What if I get lost?” Sam asked softly.

     Dean sat up and took Sam’s hand in his.  “I won’t let you stay lost, Sammy.  You know that, right?”

     Sam looked at Dean and the fear was clear in his eyes.  But he believed Dean.  Dean would always come for him.  He could almost see the tie that bound them heart to heart.  “Yeah, Dean, I know.”

     Dean pulled Sam into a hug.  Sam felt Cas place his hand on his shoulder.  Then he felt another touch on his leg.  Gabe.

     “We’re in this together, kiddo,” Gabe said, softly.  “None of us will let you stay lost.  I swear.”

     They all stayed that way for a long time, taking comfort in each other’s touch.


	7. Chapter 7

     “Should we not tell them all of the truth?”  Castiel and Gabriel were once again standing in a forest halfway around the world.  Gabriel looked more somber than usual.  Castiel studied him.

     “Cassie, we don’t even know if we’re right.  This has never happened before, never been done.  It’s never been possible.”

     Castiel nodded.  He looked away from Gabriel.  “If either of them were thinking clearly it would have occurred to them.  But at the moment they are both focused on Sam’s healing.”  Castiel turned to the archangel.  “Knowing what you know, why did you even suggest the bonding?”

     Gabriel shrugged, his eyes hooded.  “I didn’t want to lose them and neither did you.  They’ve both been to Hell and returned.  They stopped the Apocalypse, Castiel.  They beat Heaven **and** Hell.  In the entirety of human history, what two humans have managed to do all that?  How could they remain unchanged?”

     “So you acted on instinct, not knowing if it would even work, but hoping that it would?”  Castiel was impassive.

     Gabriel shrugged again.  “I knew you and I had to be bonded because Grace sharing among angels is possible.  You pulled Dean from Hell, Sam briefly let Lucifer in.  There was enough residual Grace in both their souls that I could sense it.  With us bonded, then bonding to them, our Grace tied to what was left in each of them.  That was all I was hoping for.  Enough to bond to them both to keep them both with us.”

     Though his tone was nonchalant, Castiel could tell his emotions were anything but.  He looked away, off into the forest, considering Gabriel’s words.  “You didn’t know they were soul-mates,” Castiel stated.

     “Not at the time, no.  But once I found out they were, I realized why the bonds between the four of us were so much stronger than any of us expected.”

     “So when you told Sam and Dean that they could not have gone through all that they had and still be completely human-“

     “That was a subtle warning to them that their natures had changed,” Gabriel finished.

     Castiel was silent, thinking over everything he knew.  About angels, about humans, about all he had experienced.  Gabriel was right about one thing.  Sam and Dean Winchester defied all the odds.

     “When do we tell them how much they have changed because they chose to bond with us?”  Castiel didn’t like keeping secrets from the hunters.  It didn’t feel right.  And he knew from experience that both brothers hated not being given all the information available.  But neither Cas nor Gabriel had anticipated the changes they sensed in Sam and Dean.  It shouldn’t have been possible.

     Of course, the bonding itself shouldn’t have been possible either.  An angel’s Grace and a human soul should not have been able to bond in the way Cas and Gabriel had bonded to Sam and Dean.  Cas had known that, but he’d been desperate to do anything to save Sam, and by proxy, Dean.  Because he knew if he lost one he’d lose them both.  So when Gabriel had mentioned it as a possible solution, at the time Castiel had simply grasped at what hope he had.  “Do you know _how_ this happened?”

     Gabriel sighed and looked at Cas.  “Most who are vessels for angels have a residual Grace when the angel vacates.  After time it fades.  But it remains as something separate in the human, therefore it isn’t noticed and causes no harm or change.”

     Castiel simply nodded.  This much he was aware of.

     Gabriel looked away from Cas, staring out among the trees.  “For some reason, with Sam and Dean, that residual Grace didn’t fade.  Even though with Dean it wasn’t from actively being a vessel.  Instead it began to merge with their souls.  That alone wouldn’t have caused the changes in them, especially since Sam has demon blood.  That should have been enough to nullify the effects.  But when you and I both bonded to the both of them-“

     “Our Grace began to feed the residual Grace they each had and it became more than a residue,” Cas stated.  “So Sam and Dean, though essentially human, both have their own Grace entwined with their souls.”  Gabriel nodded and turned back to Cas.  “And because they are soul-mates, their Graces bonded as their souls are bound.”  Cas made the statement then raised an eyebrow.

     Gabriel nodded again, shoulders slumping, eyes falling to the forest floor.  He didn’t usually miscalculate things this badly.  But the Winchesters never seemed to react to things like anyone else would or could.

     Cas suddenly looked concerned.  “What of Sam?  He has demon blood.  This won’t harm him, will it?”

     “I think that as his soul heals, as he heals, his Grace will slowly purge the demon blood.  If it had remained residual and faded, that wouldn’t have been the case.  But because the Grace Sam and Dean both carry is not only entwined with their souls but is being fed by the bonding between the four of us... “  Gabriel’s voice trailed off.  “I just don’t know, Cassie!  Like I said this has never happened before.  I don’t think it will harm either of them.”  Gabriel looked at Castiel.  “What have you sensed?”

     Cas thought for a long moment.  His blue eyes scanned across the forest, unseeing.  Then he said, softly, “It is changing them.  Both of them.  They aren’t completely human anymore.  They still have human souls, human bodies, but their souls are infused with Grace.”  He focused back on Gabriel.  “They won’t be happy about this when they find out, Gabriel.”  Castiel actually thought that was a gross understatement of things.  The Winchester brothers weren’t fond of angels in general.

     “I know!  But right now we need to focus on helping Sam heal.  Once we’ve managed that we’ll tell the boys.  We should both have a better idea of what to tell them by then.”

     Castiel nodded slowly.  Gabriel had a point.  The priority right now had to be Sam.  Sam was suffering.  They needed to help him with that first.  He was startled when Gabriel turned to him and stepped closer.  He looked up into Castiel’s eyes.

     “I didn’t just bond to you out of convenience, Castiel.  I respected and cared about you... even with that stick up your ass.”  He slowly raised a hand to Castiel’s face, whose eyes widened a fraction.  “In the time we’ve been bonded, I’ve learned to do more than just care.”  Gabriel paused, a flush staining his cheeks.  “I love you, Castiel.  I wanted you to know that.”

     Castiel was surprised and a warm feeling washed through him.  He leaned down to kiss Gabriel lightly on the lips.  “So do I,” Castiel said softly.

     Gabriel grinned impishly.  “We need to get back.  We have a bond-mate in pain and we need to help him heal.”

     Castiel nodded.  Gabriel let his hand drop from Cas’s face and Caught his hand in his own.  He smiled a little shyly at Gabriel.  “I have learned to value physical contact,” he said softly.

     Gabriel smirked.  “I had noticed that, Cassie.  You learn fast.”  He laughed as Castiel’s cheeks darkened from pink to bright red.  But he didn’t let go of his hand.

     Then they were both gone with the sound of fluttering wings, leaving Gabriel’s laugh to echo alone through the trees.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3-17-2014   
> be aware there will be mention and description of torture in this section. It's not terribly graphic, but it is there.

     “Why here?”  Sam was sitting on the bed looking anxiously at Castiel and Gabriel.  Dean was sitting next to Sam.  Waves of anxiety were coming off of Sam but Dean could sense determination and fear underneath it.

     “Because it is more comfortable and also because this has become a safe place.”  Castiel’s voice was soothing.  Gabriel nodded in agreement.  “Since we’ve been here this is one place where you’ve never been hurt, where you’ve loved honestly and received comfort.  This will be the place you will feel safest to return to, knowing we’ll be here.”

     Sam swallowed hard and looked at Dean.   - _What if doing this here makes it feel not safe?_ -

     Dean touched his face gently.  - _Then we make it safe again._ -

     Sam had noticed that in the months they’d been at the cabin some of Dean’s tough guy exterior had softened, at least as far as he, Cas and Gabriel were concerned.  He allowed himself to be openly affectionate more than he ever had before.

     He stared into Dean’s bright green eyes, taking in the utter conviction in him.  Dean was making him a promise.  Sam knew how seriously Dean took his promises.

     Sam looked back at Cas and Gabe.  “Okay, so how does this work, exactly?”

     “It’s kind of like lancing a boil,” Gabriel said.  “The trauma from the Cage has left wounds on your soul.  Open wounds.  And they’ve festered.  The smaller ones have been healing.  But every time you block the memories from coming forward, you’ve actually been keeping that wound open so it can’t heal.  What we’re going to try to do is work through the worst ones, getting your conscious mind to realize it isn’t happening now, to try and put a little distance between you and the memory.”

     Gabriel stopped and looked at Sam.  His amber eyes were compassionate.  “But it’s not just about the memories, Sam.  You have to let yourself acknowledge your emotions about it.  You have to let the emotions out.”

     Sam felt a shudder run through him.  Dean squeezed his shoulder.  “I’ll be right here the whole time, Sammy.  I promise, I’m not going anywhere.”

     Sam still felt fear building.  How would his lovers, his mates, feel about him once they knew what had been done to him in the Cage?  What Lucifer had done to him?

     - _Sammy, we love you and even if it’s hard for you to believe, nothing that happened to you there is going to change how we feel or make us regret tying ourselves to you.-_   Dean’s voice was like a caress in Sam’s mind and he let the words soothe some of the fear.

     He took a few deep breaths then looked at the two angels.  “Okay.  Tell me what I need to do.”

     “You and Dean should both lie down.  And get comfortable.”  Cas sounded serious.

     Sam hesitated a moment, glanced at Dean, then crawled further up the bed.  He lay down with his head on the pillows and tried to get comfortable.  Dean crawled up next to him, laying by his side, their bodies touching.  Sam was grateful for the physical contact.  It helped to remind him Dean was really there.

     Cas perched on one side of the bed while Gabriel walked around to the other.  “I’m going to put you in a light trance.  Just enough so you can’t fight whatever memory comes to the surface.  And Sam?”  Gabriel paused and met green-hazel eyes.  “This isn’t going to fix everything in one sitting.  It’s going to take time.”

     Sam nodded his understanding.  One of the things he’d been doing while they’d been at the cabin was looking up things online about trauma recovery and PTSD.  As much as he might wish otherwise, healing from the things he went through wasn’t going to happen all at once.

     He felt Dean grasp his hand and twine their fingers together.  - _I’m right here, Sammy._ -

     Sam took reassurance from Dean’s thought and the hand holding his own.

     Gabriel looked at Sam and Dean solemnly.  “Are you ready?”

     Sam nodded firmly.  Gabriel reached out and lightly touched his forehead.  Sam’s eyes slid shut and he felt himself drifting.  He was still aware of Cas and Gabe, could still feel Dean laying against him.  But there was some distance to it.  He let his mind drift, not trying to focus on anything in particular.  The fear still hummed through him, but he tried to control it without blocking anything.

     A few images blinked in and out rapidly before suddenly Sam found himself held down as Lucifer slowly flayed the skin from his body.

     He clenched his jaw, holding in the screams of pain.  It was the only defiance that had been left to him.  He had refused to allow Lucifer to hear him scream as he was tortured.  But the pain was horrific.

     A cool presence suddenly surrounded him, separating him from the memory so it felt like he was watching it, not simply reliving it.  The pain lessened but he could still hear Lucifer’s voice and the fear started to overwhelm him.  That’s when he heard a beloved voice calling his name.

     - _Sammy.  Sammy, you gotta listen to me.  I’m right here with you, man.  This is just a memory.  You aren’t in the Cage anymore.  Lucifer can’t hurt you._ -

     Sam felt confusion.  He watched Lucifer pull another strip of flesh from his body, felt the pain of it, but not as intensely as he had before.  Was he still in the Cage?  Or was that really Dean calling to him?  Why did this feel different than before?

     He wavered and felt that cool presence brush up against him, soothing the pain.

     - _Sammy, it’s just a memory.  You can come back to me.  It’s okay.  Come back now, baby.-_

     The love in that voice tugged at Sam.  He turned, and though he could still feel Lucifer ripping into him he followed the trail of Dean’s mental voice.  He slowly became aware of the weight of his body, the warmth along his side that felt of **Dean**.  But the pain followed him out of the memory.

     He could sense Cas and Gabe and realized they were the cool presence that had separated him from the memory and soothed some of the pain.  And Dean was a warm solid presence next to him.  But the pain was still there.  He could still feel his body being slowly flayed and he kept his jaw clenched, not making a sound.

     - _Sammy, baby, you gotta let it out.  You can’t hold it in or it will keep pulling you under._ -

     Sam shook his head, eyes still squeezed shut.  - _I can’t.  If I scream, he wins._ -

     - _No, baby.  He already lost.  You aren’t in the Cage anymore.  You’re here with me and Cas and Gabe.  You’re safe, Sammy.  You can let it out now._ -

     Sam hesitated.  But for all the time he’d spent in the Cage, the protective love he was feeling from three sources had never been present.  Only pain, loneliness, guilt and the hatred of an archangel.  So Sam decided to trust that Dean’s mental voice was real, that his sense of Cas and Gabriel was real, that the love he was feeling from all three was real.  And he let go.

     The screams he’d never allowed Lucifer to hear tore from his throat.  Long, ragged scream after scream exited Sam as the pain of being flayed alive shredded him.  For a moment or two he wondered if he’d been tricked, if Lucifer had finally found a way to break him.

     - _No, little brother.  Lucifer didn’t break you.  He tried.  But he failed.  And I’m right here with you, Sammy.  I swear it.  You can let it all go now._ -

     A few more ragged screams tore themselves from Sam’s throat before the pain of being flayed faded and he was left with just the phantoms of remembered pain.  Hesitant, afraid, he slowly opened his eyes.  He looked first to Cas and Gabe and saw a flash of what looked like wings enfolding him and Dean.  But it was gone quickly and Sam figured he’d imagined it.

     He was panting and gasping for breath and he felt wetness on his cheeks.  But he turned his head the other way to find Dean’s green eyes on him.  Sam felt shame flood through him at the thought of Dean having seen him be so weak.  Dean raised a hand to Sam’s face, gently wiping away tears.

     “No, Sammy,” Dean said softly.  “You weren’t weak.  You’re the strongest person I know.  He didn’t win, baby.  And there’s no shame in letting the pain out.”

     Sam felt tears rise in his eyes and his emotions were in turmoil.  He wanted to fight the tears.  Until he saw the tear tracks on Dean’s face.  His eyes widened slightly and he reached out with a trembling hand to touch the wetness on Dean’s face.  He looked at the tears, then back into Dean’s green eyes.  - _You cried for me?_ -  Sam was bewildered.

     Dean’s eyes softened in a way that was always only for Sam.  - _Of course I did,_ \- the thought came gently.  There was no hint of shame or embarrassment in Dean’s emotions.  - _Someone I love was being hurt.  And I couldn’t stop it.  But I’m here with you now, and we’re going to get through this._ -

     Sam felt the tears in his eyes start to slide down his cheeks.  He was startled when he felt the bed shift and turned his head back towards the angels.  Cas had shifted a little closer, looking at both brothers.  His eyes finally settled on Sam.

     “There is no shame in letting your pain have an outlet, Sam.  There is no weakness in allowing your bond-mates see that pain and allow us to help.  It is a gift and it shows your strength.”

     Sam blinked, his eyes misted over with tears, and again he got the impression of wings reaching out from Castiel towards him.  He blinked rapidly to clear his eyes, feeling more tears fall down his cheeks.  The impression of wings was gone, but Cas’s earnest blue eyes were still one him.  He looked like he wanted to move closer but Sam could sense he wasn’t sure if he’d be intruding.

     Feeling how much Cas wanted to comfort him finally broke the dam of tears he’d been trying to hold back.  Not just tears.  Harsh, wracking sobs shook his large frame.  Dean threw an arm over him and held him close, his face buried in Sam’s neck.  Cas crawled over to the brothers, stretched out next to Sam and also wrapped an arm around him.

     For a long time the only sound was Sam’s wracking cries.  The fear, pain, guilt and shame could be heard coming out with his sobs.  Dean, Cas and Gabe sent him wordless pulses of love and reassurance along their bonds.

     When Sam had finally cried himself out, he was exhausted and barely awake.  His back was pressed against Dean’s front, Dean’s arm around his chest.  His head rested on Castiel’s chest and Cas was stroking his hair gently.  Gabe had crawled onto the bed as well, lying next to Dean, his arm reaching across so his hand rested on Sam’s hip.

     - _Thank-you._ -  Sam’s thought was faint but it was directed at all three of them, not just Dean.  Cas and Gabe were startled but hid it well.  Dean simply gave his brother a squeeze and nuzzled closer.

     Sam drifted into an exhausted sleep, Dean following quickly behind.  Sam hadn’t been the only one who’d cried.

     When both brothers were firmly asleep, Cas sent to Gabriel, - _Sam managed to project his thought to us as well as Dean.  Even bonded, he should not have been able to do that so easily when exhausted.-_

     Cas sensed some concern from the archangel turned Trickster.  - _I know Cassie, I know.  Different frequency.  I guess we’ll need to talk to them sooner rather than later.  But just a bit longer.  Let Sam get used to this.  That memory of his wasn’t even one of the deep ones.  He’s begun, but he has a ways to go._ -

     Cas nodded slightly in the affirmative.  - _But not too long, Gabriel.  Neither of them react well to having secrets kept from them._ -

     Gabriel was silent.  He knew how true Castiel’s statement was.  And he had no real response for it.

     The two angels settled in to watch over their sleeping bond-mates.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mention of sexual trauma, but no details.

     Two weeks later Sam was showing some improvement.  At least as far as having psychotic breaks was concerned.  He was having less episodes where he would get lost in his Hell memories or hallucinations.  He still had nightmares, though the sleepwalking stopped.  And he could be woken from his nightmares now without going into flashbacks.

     His emotions, however, were all over the place.  Some days he was relatively fine and stable.  Some days he would rage about what was done to him.  Some days he would cry.  Quiet tears, muffled cries, deep wracking sobs.  He ran the gamut.  Eventually he stopped feeling ashamed of it.

     Sometimes he would want to be alone and couldn’t stand to be touched.  Some days he couldn’t stand **not** having someone in the same room and cuddled as close as they could physically get.  He was raw and open in ways he had never let himself be and in some ways it was more exhausting than trying to bottle everything up had been.  Some days he wondered why he was even doing any of this.

     As Gabriel had predicted, though, the first memories he had to deal with weren’t the worst ones Sam carried.  They were bad, horrific and traumatic in their own right.  Yet they were nothing compared to the memories Sam had of being sexually violated in every way possible in the Cage by an archangel who was pissed off and had nothing to lose and only one real distraction.

     When they hit those memories Sam became even more insecure than ever.  He became fearful of being touched, especially by his bond-mates.  Sex couldn’t even be considered without sending him into a panic.  For a while the nightmares got worse and sleep was something he only had a nodding acquaintance with. 

     A full month passed before he wasn’t convinced his bond-mates would leave him because he was so damaged.  Before he realized he didn’t need to hold on to the shame and guilt.  Before sex didn’t terrify him and he could accept a loving touch, or even any touch at all, without it triggering flashbacks.

     And it was yet another few weeks beyond that before Sam began to lose his constant hyper-vigilance.  Before he didn’t startle at every little thing.  Before he lost the fear that had lurked in his eyes for so long.

     Sam didn’t suffer alone.  His bond-mates suffered right along with him.  Several times Gabriel had to take Dean off somewhere to work off his rage at what Lucifer had done to his little brother so Sam wouldn’t think it was directed at him.  Dean hated feeling helpless.  He knew there was nothing he could do with Lucifer already locked in the Cage, though there were times when he was sorely tempted by the idea of breaking into the damn thing and meting out some payback.

     His rage had to go somewhere though, and Gabriel knew it.  He would take the elder Winchester somewhere isolated and produce phantoms for Dean to beat the shit out of, knowing Dean would feel less guilt for trying to kill something that wasn’t actually alive.

     Dean was with Sam with every memory that came up and was reframed in a way that put some distance on it and allowed Sam to see it as past and not present.  He was always there to lead Sam back to himself, even if that meant Sam scrambled away from him the second he could.  Every time Sam retreated from him that way it hurt, whether he understood why it happened or not.  And he hurt for Sam, for everything he went through, for not being able to protect him from it all.

     It also forced him to have to look at his own Hell memories, something he’d tried hard not to do for years.  Forced him to accept that he was as damaged in some ways as Sam was, even though their experiences had been vastly different.  More than once Cas and Gabriel had to force Dean not to minimize his own shit and compare it to Sam’s, something Dean was all too ready to do. 

     Even Sam would tell his brother not to do that, knowing that Dean likely wouldn’t listen to him.  He tried anyway.  Mostly because he could still recall a brief conversation his soulless counterpart had had with Dean about them reacting differently to what they each went through in Hell.

     Cas and Gabriel rode out the emotional waves and gave the brothers whatever they needed to keep going forward.  Both angels learned more about human emotions during that period than they ever had by observing, or even interacting with, humans.  Because they could literally _feel_ what Sam and Dean both were feeling.  And being constantly swamped with the brothers’ emotions caused them to start feeling more intensely than most angels ever allowed themselves to.

     Even Gabriel, who had already been far more emotionally inclined than any angel the brothers had encountered.  The Trickster had been among humans for a damn long time, but this was as up close and personal as he’d ever been and it was different.

     Cas was often overwhelmed and found it somewhat amazing that Sam had carried all of that alone for as long as he had and been functional.  He had to learn ways to cope with emotions he’d only puzzled over before, began to understand them in ways he’d never thought he would.  Which actually only increased his respect for most humans and the Winchesters in particular.

     Eventually they had weathered the worst of the storm.  Sam had stopped hallucinating completely, stopped having his reality turn sideways on him.  He stopped seeing Lucifer and having him whisper in his mind.  He still had nightmares but not every night.  His emotions started to even out for the most part and stay that way longer.  He wasn’t afraid of being touched by his bond-mates, though he did still sometimes have trouble with sex.  Cas, Gabe and Dean learned to watch for the warning signs that Sam was getting uncomfortable during sex and how to talk and soothe him through the fear, even if it meant stopping the physical act cold.

     Sam began to smile more and the deep shadows under his eyes started to fade.  It wasn’t that the memories were gone.  Sam knew they would never go away, that they would be with him until he died.  But there was now enough distance between him and them that they didn’t suck him in and overwhelm him like they had.

     Sam and Dean’s mental connection to each other and to Cas and Gabe grew stronger.  And if Sam and Dean started ‘overhearing’ other conversations than their own, at first they were too intent on Sam’s healing from the worst of his trauma to really pay attention to it.  They mostly ignored it, although Gabriel and Cas were aware that Sam and Dean were tuning in to the angel frequency more and more often.

     There were other things as well.  Sam and Dean both started being able to catch more than passing glimpses of Cas’s and Gabriel’s wings.  They both started to be able to see their true forms inside their human shells.  Something they first assumed was a side effect of being bonded to the two angels.  However they both also noticed that they were literally physically stronger than they had been.  Which meant having to be a little more careful.

     It all came to a head one day when Sam and Dean were in the kitchen, Dean trying to cook and Sam just wanting to be nearby.  Dean dropped a pot which hit the floor with a loud clatter.  The sound was sudden enough to startle Sam, who disappeared from the kitchen only to reappear on the bed in the bedroom.  Dean stood staring at the empty spot his brother had occupied before rushing to check that Sam was okay in the bedroom.

     Sam sat in the middle of the bed with wide eyes and humming through him.  Dean climbed up on to the bed to put his arms around Sam, mostly to assure himself Sam was okay and actually there.

     - _Are you okay?_ -  Dean’s question was anxious as he looked his brother over, not turning him loose for a second.

     - _I’m fine, Dean.  I promise.  But what the Hell just happened?_ -

     Dean narrowed his eyes, thinking about the way Sam had vanished from the kitchen, then slowly tallying up all the little things he’d been noticing for some time now.  Finally he said out loud, “Cas?  Gabriel?  Get your feathery asses here now!”

     “Dean,” Sam said softly, his eyes reproachful of Dean’s tone, just as Castiel and Gabriel appeared in the bedroom.

     Dean pinned each angel with a hard look.  Cas and Gabe had been disappearing for short periods of time for a while now.  Neither Sam nor Dean had thought to question it, both figuring the angels needed a break from the constant emotional overload.  Now Dean had to wonder what they’d actually been up to as he saw guilt on Cas’s face and Gabe would only hold his eyes for a moment before glancing away.

     Dean took a deep breath to try and settle the sudden suspicion and said, “Sam just disappeared from the kitchen and reappeared in here.  And that’s not the only thing we’ve both been noticing.  You maybe wanna tell us what the Hell is going on?”

     Gabriel sighed heavily as Cas said, “We weren’t trying to keep it a secret, Dean.  We thought Sam’s healing took precedence and should be addressed first.”

     Gabriel rolled his eyes.  “Cassie, you really need to work on how you phrase things.”

     Sam looked at Cas and then at Gabe.  “So you do know what’s going on.”

     Cas nodded and Sam realized the angel was nervous.  – _Dean, why would Cas be nervous?_ -

     - _I don’t know, Sammy.  Why don’t you let them tell us what they know?_ -  Dean’s mental voice was caustic as his green eyes raked over both angels impartially.

     “You know, we **can** hear you, Deano,” Gabriel said with a little irritation.  Dean started to reply and Sam squeezed his arm.  Dean huffed but refrained from whatever pithy remark he’d been about to toss out.

   Gabriel frowned and sighed heavily.  “Don’t be mad at Castiel.  I told him to hold off on telling you two chuckleheads what we had worked out because, as he said, we both thought Sam’s healing was more important.  That was hard enough for him to deal with and we didn’t want either of you worrying about anything else.”

     Gabriel paused and looked at the brothers who were both looking at him expectantly.  And the archangel turned Trickster suddenly realized he was just as nervous as Castiel was as he faced his bond-mates.  He could sense that both of them were a little angry, a lot nervous and trying hard to bury fear though their faces were impassive.

     Cas edged closer to Gabriel until he could feel the warmth of the other angel against his side offering silent support.  Gabriel studied Sam and Dean and realized there was going to be no easy way to say what he had to say.

     “You’re both angel-human hybrids now.”

     The statement fell into the silence and sat there as the brothers absorbed it.  There was bewilderment, confusion and shock from them both.  Then Sam asked, “But… how?”

     Gabriel took a deep breath and began to explain what he and Cas had worked out weeks before.  And while he hadn’t expected either of the boys to be thrilled by the idea, he hadn’t expected the sudden sense of betrayal from Sam.

     “Then there **is** actually a part of Lucifer left in me.”  His voice was flat but fear flooded his hazel-green eyes.

     Gabriel shook his head firmly.  “No, Sam, there isn’t.  Even though the Grace you and Dean now carry started as a residue from another, it has twined with your souls and become its own unique power.  There’s no trace of Lucifer left in Sam and no trace of Cas left in Dean.  The Grace you both carry belongs only to you.  It has its own imprint.  No angel would mistake you for anyone other than who you are.”

     The sense of betrayal started to fade from Sam’s emotions.  But it was clear he still didn’t know how to take the news.  “What about the demon blood?”  The question was soft and hesitant, obviously reluctant but just as obviously something Sam had to ask.

     “Your Grace has purged your blood of the taint Azazel gave you.  You no longer have any demon blood in you.”  Cas’s voice was solemn as he spoke.

     Sam’s eyes widened in surprise and uncertainty.  “It’s gone?  For real?  I don’t have any more demon blood in me?”  His voice was strained and full of wary hope.

     “You have no demon blood left anywhere in your body, Sam.  Your own Grace cleansed it.”

     There was a sudden burst of happiness from Sam so strong it was almost like a visible brightness around him.  The weight he’d carried on his shoulders since learning about the taint in his blood lifted as he turned bright hazel-green eyes on Dean.  His sudden smile flashed his dimples.

     Dean couldn’t find it in him to stay angry with Sam grinning at him like that, especially since he knew how much it had hurt his brother knowing there was a darkness in him he couldn’t escape put there by someone else.  But he also knew there had to be more to all of this.

     He looked at Gabriel and Cas who were standing side by side and asked, “Has this ever happened before?  ‘Cuz I can’t recall coming across this in any of the lore.”  Not that he really thought the lore they knew of angels was in anyway a definitive source.  They’d learned far more from just interacting with angels than anything they’d ever come across in books and such.

     Gabriel shook his head.  “ _This_ has never happened in my recollection.  You aren’t Nephilim.  You weren’t born of the union of an angel and a human.  You have Grace as strong as an angel but you still retain your human souls and bodies.  Before this I would have said it was impossible.  The two of you are unique among any human that has lived and any angel in existence.”

     Sam and Dean stared at each other, not sure how to react to Gabe’s words.  Then Dean swore softly.  “Son of a bitch, seriously?”  As if he and Sam didn’t have enough to deal with just being Winchesters.

     Sam nudged Dean.  “Not _all_ angels are dicks.  Cas and Gabe are all right.”

     Gabriel snorted and said, “Gee, thanks Sasquatch,” as Dean started to say, “Yeah, I know but the rest of them…”  Dean’s voice trailed off as something else finally clicked in his head.  “We’ve been tuning in to angel radio haven’t we?”

     Gabriel rolled his eyes at Dean using the phrase ‘angel radio’ though he supposed there was a certain amount of accuracy in it.  Cas replied, “Yes.  You have been overhearing angelic conversation.”

     Sam studied Cas and Gabe shrewdly.  “Except for the past couple of weeks.  We haven’t been overhearing anything even though we’ve still been able to see you wings and your true forms.”  Sam spoke slowly and deliberately.  “So, what, you’ve been… shielding us?  Warding us?  So we don’t pick up on it?”

     Dean snorted and shook his head.  “So they don’t find out about us.”  His voice was quiet but firm, a statement not a question, though he raised an eyebrow.

     A flurry of thoughts ran through Gabriel’s mind as Cas said, “No.  The other angels don’t know about how you both have changed.  And we both felt it prudent to keep you from projecting on the frequency angels use so they would not become curious and come seeking the source.”

     Sam and Dean exchanged another look.  “What do you mean, Cas?”  Dean frowned as he asked the question.

     “Human thought patterns are not on the same frequency as angelic thought patterns.  Sometimes when you project you stay on the human frequency.  Other times, you hit the angelic frequency.  Gabriel and I thought it better to keep your projections from leaving the immediate area until we could teach you how to tell the difference.”

     Sam could only think of one reason Cas and Gabe were going to such lengths to keep their… change… a secret.  “They’d try to kill us if they knew, wouldn’t they?  The other angels?  Because we’re different.”  Sam couldn’t keep the thought, - _Lovely, from one kind of freak to another-_ , from passing through his mind and Dean’s frown deepened as he caught it.

     Cas had sorrow in his eyes but it was Gabriel who answered.  “Our brethren are not especially happy with either me or Castiel.  If there wasn’t so much going on in Heaven they might have tried tracking us down by now.  Not just because we oppose the status quo and not just because we took you as mates.  It should not have been possible for us to form mating bonds to you in the first place.  Basic human-angel incompatibility.  But we did.  If the Powers That Be found out that the Winchesters were now part angel… there’s a lot of them that would not be happy with this development.”

     “In other words, they’d try to kill us,” Dean said, echoing Sam.

     Cas nodded.

     Dean huffed.  “Well, since that’s not much different than things have been, what’s the problem?  When have we _not_ been on someone’s hit list?”

     Gabriel made a face.  “Are you seriously asking me that question?  You two might have Grace now, might have the ‘mojo’ as you call it, but you don’t know how to use it.  And really, think about it, Deano.  Winchesters as angels?”

     Sam blinked, thinking about what had precipitated this conversation in the first place and realized Gabriel had a point.  He and Dean were hunters and had had their asses handed to them by angels more than once.  It didn’t mean they actually knew how to _do_ any of the things they’d seen angels do.

     Dean however had followed another line of thought entirely.  “Are we gonna get wings?”

     Cas sighed, Gabe smirked and Sam gave Dean a serious bitchface.  “Really, Dean?  That’s what you’re worried about?”

     Dean looked at the three of them and said, “What?  I think it’s a logical thing to wonder when you become half-angel.  Or whatever we are now.”

     Sam held the look for a moment before shaking his head and snorting in exasperation while Gabriel rolled his eyes heavenward as though asking for strength.  Cas decided the brothers should at least have an answer to the question. 

     “Neither of us can predict if you will grow wings.”

     Dean huffed and muttered, “Figures.”  Then he did a double take.  “Wait.  Then how did Sam get from the kitchen to here?  I thought that was how you guys traveled the way you did.  Or am I missing something?”

     Cas and Gabriel exchanged a look.  Then both scrutinized Sam closely.  Sam was starting to feel like a bug under a magnifying glass by the time Cas and Gabe turned their gazes to Dean, who fought not to squirm under intense blue and amber eyes.  They looked at each other again after the close scrutiny of both brothers and Sam could sense their surprise.

      “You do both have vestigial wings that appear to be growing as they are fed by your Grace.”  Gabriel spoke slowly, his eyebrows climbing towards his hairline in surprise.

     As Dean began to grin, thinking of all the ways this could be useful Sam asked, “So how do we keep from ‘popping’ in other places by accident?  Now that we know we can?”  He was still disconcerted over the abrupt trip from kitchen to bedroom and would prefer not to find himself someplace without conscious direction.

     Both angels seemed to relax a little at the question.  “So you are not angry that we did not mention this sooner?”  Cas’s blue eyes were still a little anxious as he asked the question, gazing back and forth between Sam and Dean.  Though he was relieved that both brothers were now aware of what had changed with them both, he also had experience with how they often reacted when secrets of this magnitude were kept from them.

     Sam shook his head slowly before sighing heavily.  “It sucks but you were right to wait.  I don’t think I could have handled this info working through some of the shit I was working through.  It would have been too much to process.”

     Dean appeared to give the question a little more consideration.  Sam nudged Dean again and gave him a look and Dean sighed and rolled his eyes.  “No, Cas, not angry.  Anymore anyway.  Kinda still trying to wrap my head around the whole being half-angel thing, but I get why you didn’t mention it.  Is there anything else you’d like to share with the rest of the class?”

     Cas looked puzzled at the question as Gabriel answered Dean.  “That’s all we know at this point.  Truthfully me and Cassie haven’t a clue as to how many angelic abilities you two have gained.  But we need to figure that out and teach you how to use them and how to defend yourselves and figure out what things that affect angels will affect you now and what won’t since you are still part human.  We don’t want you caught unprepared and we know neither of you would want to rely on us anymore than you have to.”

     “Damn straight,” Dean said.

     “But that still doesn’t answer my question,” Sam said impatiently.

     Cas and Gabe finally both approached the bed and sat down now that it was clear the brothers weren’t going to have a royal fit over the new information.

     “The warding that Gabriel and I used will keep you from inadvertently leaving the area.  It covers a five mile radius from the cabin.  That’s why Gabriel and I have been gone for periods of time.  To make sure the warding was not tampered with.”

     “Let me see if I have this straight,” Dean said.  “For whatever reason me and Sam both had residual Grace left in us.”  And that was still a little freaky to think about, but he continued.  “Unlike what usually happens, which is that it fades, with us it merged with our souls.  Because of that you two were able to bond to both of us and the bonding triggered our own Grace to begin to grow.  And it’s changed us enough that Sam and I are now human-angel hybrids.  Who the other angels would kill if they had a chance because it shouldn’t even have been possible.”  He shook his head.  “This is what our lives have come to?  It sounds crazy just saying it.”

     Sam shrugged.  “I don’t see how this can be a bad thing, Dean.  The angels already had it in for us for derailing the Apocalypse.  Demons have been trying to take us down for even longer than that.  How exactly is this going to change much?”  Although even as the words passed his lips, Sam realized that while it might not change things outside of them much more, on a personal level things had changed a damn lot.

     He looked at Cas and Gabe and asked, “Is this gonna hinder us hunting at all?”

     Castiel and Gabriel both looked startled.  “You’re gonna keep hunting?”  Gabriel’s voice was cautious.

     Sam and Dean exchanged a look and Dean asked, “Why wouldn’t we?  It’s what we do.  And being half-angel has got to make it harder to kill us, so we can handle the more dangerous jobs Bobby hears about.”  He frowned a little as he took in Cas and Gabe’s faces and their tumultuous emotions.

     “Do you two want us to give up hunting?”  Sam asked the question softly, his eyes hesitant.

     Both Cas and Gabriel suddenly looked uncertain.  “We wouldn’t stop you from hunting if you really felt the need to,” Gabe said slowly.  “It’s just… me and Cassie, we kinda like just being in one place with you two.”  His cheeks flushed lightly.  “And not worrying if the next hunt will end up being your last hunt.”

     Sam looked at Cas who had looked down at the bed spread.  He reached out and touched Cas’s arm.  When the angel looked up, Sam asked, “Do you feel the same way, Cas?”

     Cas flushed as well and looked down again.  Slowly he nodded his head.  “I would understand if you and Dean felt the need to continue.  Both of you find it difficult not to help people.  But it has been nice, staying in one place for a time.”

     Dean looked like he’d been pole-axed.  This wasn’t something he’d expected.  He’d figured once Sam was better and back on his feet they’d hit the road again.  He was already restless, this having been the longest time he’d spent in one place since Lisa and Ben.  He had never thought about, never even considered, trying to settle down.

     “Wouldn’t hunts actually be easier for us now that we’ve got angel mojo on our side?”

     Sam rolled his eyes.  “That’s not the point, Dean.”  He knew his brother wasn’t stupid, just very stubborn.  Hunting was in his blood and trying to convince him to drop out of the life wasn’t something that would be easy.  Although for himself, it was a highly tempting idea.  He looked from Cas to Gabe and back to Dean.

     “There’s gotta be a compromise we can reach.  I mean, I’m doing way better than before, but I still have bad days.  I’m not sure I’m up to long hours on the road just yet.”  He gave Dean a look that was almost apologetic and Dean reached out to squeeze his hand.  “And it’s gonna take time for us to get the hang of what’s changed now.  And learn to handle our angel powers, which we really need to do before we leave the cabin anyway.  So, maybe we can talk about how to work things out.”

     Dean was working up to a full sulk at the thought of not hunting anymore, but he nodded his head.  Castiel and Gabriel both nodded, glancing at a sulky Dean.  Sam also glanced at his brother.  He could think of a dozen ways to get Dean wrapped around his finger enough to agree to almost anything but he didn’t think it would be fair in these circumstances.  Besides, this wasn’t just about him and Dean anymore.  It was the four of them now.  Probably for a long time.  They needed a solution that would work for all of them.

     Sam decided a change in subject would be good about now.  So he looked at Gabriel and said, “Why don’t you walk us through angel mojo 101, Gabe.”

     As Cas frowned trying to sort out the meaning of Sam’s statement Gabriel gave Sam a relieved smile.

     “Well, boys, I guess we should start with how to tell the difference between human frequency and angelic frequency with thought projection.”

     Dean slowly let go of his sulk as Gabe started to talk, with Cas adding comments whenever he felt the need.  Sam looked at his three bond-mates and swore to try and find a solution that would work for them all.  And while he was still smart enough to realize that things weren’t going to be easy from now on, he could at least recognize that what the four of them had might be worth it all.

     With a small smile he turned his attention to Gabriel.

- _fin_


End file.
